Excerpt from “The Reason”

laceysturmbook_638The following is an excerpt from The Reason, Revelations of a Rock Princess by Lacey Sturm, former lead singer of the rock band “Flyleaf.”  It is the introductory page of the autobiography, published by Baker Books.  I began this book a few hours ago and was unable to put it down.  Please, if this interests you, buy the book and support the author.  High recommendations.

“I wasn’t supposed to wake up today.

My bedroom here feels huge compared to the other places I’ve lived.  It feels too big for a girl like me.  Maybe one day I’ll move into an old van and feel more at home.  Over there is the poster of my dream car, a Volkswagen camper, hanging alone on the big wall across from my bed.  An empty Ben and Jerry’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream container filled with dried flowers sits on my dresser.  It’s from my “friend date” with Jacob.  At the time, I secretly hoped he would break up with his girlfriend of three years, the one he fought with all the time, and fall in love with me.  That way we could stay up late together, reading Robert Jordan epic fantasy novels.

Memory boxes fill the underside of my bedside table.  One is filled with the evidence of my first love, Ryan-notes he gave me in between classes, the lighter I used to burn a smiley tattoo into my hand the first time we got high together, his copy of The Vampire Lestat, the book he was reading the first time I saw him, the one that distinguished him from the other seventh grade boys.

I have a drawer full of pictures that my little brother and sisters drew for me.  They remind me to see the beauty in every day, to keep me going.

A bass guitar sits in the corner wearing a fuzzy purple strap called Purple Haze.  My backpack beside my closet door is filled with books and a script for a play I planned to audition for next Friday.  I had tacked my ticket to next month’s Pantera show at the Mississippi Gulf Coast Coliseum to the wall beside my bed, next to a picture of Dimebag Darrell I had torn out of Guitar World magazine.

This is how they would have found my room.

Apparently I had some dreams, goals, things I valued about my life.  But if I’m honest, none of the things I thought mattered were really important to me.  If they were, then I don’t suppose I would have planned to kill myself yesterday.

But now, here I am.  I’m here waking up.  I’m rising to a new today.  And this today looks and smells different to me.  I’m just lying on my bed looking around, noticing all my stuff.  But it feels like I’m really opening my eyes for the first time.  On this today I forgot to hate that I woke up again, like I have done every morning for years.  Something lingers in this room.  It’s something real and full of meaning.

What will replace my hate?  Is it this lingering thing I feel all around me?

Today I’m fully alive-for the first time.  And I don’t want this freedom from my hate to go away.  I want it to stay.  I want it to soar.  And I want to soar with it.”

 

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